well. hello again blog. as always i'm only here at the lowest points in life and just right now i can't think of a lower point. who would've thought heartbreak was so goddamn fucking painful? i hate this it's terrible. it's like all the tears and the bawling and the wailing doesn't even scratch at the surface of the deeper pain inside me. after you left today home was the last place i wanted to go, so i found a secluded bathroom and i sat in a cubicle and just cried my heart out for god knows how long. i've never been reduced to such hysterics, it's scary and i don't know what's going on with me. some pathetic cross between crying and wailing - even to my own ears it sounded like someone had died. and in a way someone had. what good is a life without you? oh god even thinking about it makes me want to breakdown again. what the hell?

i don't even know what's going on with me. Just this morning i was silently crying for a good half hour and it was all i could do to not break down in front of everyone. but the more i tried to control myself the harder it got, until i was at the point where just looking at you brought me almost to the edge. and the man was being so slow with those forms argh i just kept telling myself "5minutes. 5 minutes and you can hide in the change rooms and break down there. 5 minutes. man up you stupid girl."

i know this is my fault. i know. but god i just want to hurry up and do the things i've planned so that maybe hopefully i can change this. it's so painful how does anyone deal with this? i almost want to call up taylor swift just to ask how she copes with heartbreak. AND IM NOT EVEN THERE YET! there's still a flicker of hope, he still loves me. my heart isn't even 100% broken. what the fuck will happen if it is... it scares me to think about it.

i miss you. i miss you so much i almost can't bear to think about you. i almost threw my phone at a wall because seeing your face smiling up at me - seeing what i've almost lost - was like wrenching my heart out again.

i noticed you were unhappy today, you were angry and frustrated. there was one point i looked at you and you were staring off into the distance dejectedly and it was like another dagger to me. i vowed then and there to one day be the cause of your smile and laughter and happiness again. i will. i'm looking forward to that day. maybe i'm being too optimistic, i don't know but it's about all that's keeping me going.

i hate myself. i'm so fucking retarded. so fucking stupid. i want to beat my head against the wall, but i have no energy to move.

what good is a life without my Michael? what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i always ruin everything? please please please don't let him be gone. please please please don't let me lose him. i need him. i can't function, i can't do anything apart from cry and write about how fucking stupid i am and plan ways to prove i have changed. i can't do anything,  i need him. i'm going to show him how much i need him. i'm going to show him how much he means to me. i'm going to SHOW it.

i can only hope i have enough time for my plan of how to show him. i really hope so. please don't leave me.

it's funny, i thought when depressed people usually eat comfort food. i would've thought when i'm depressed i would but food has never sounded so unappetising. oh well doesn't matter i'm not hungry anyway. i'm only cold. cold and lonely and sad beyond belief.

please wait for me.

this week has been sooo weird...seriously i feel like the world is playing one big massive prank on me.

okay so on monday after my exam i went to woolworths looking for raisin and oat cookies because they have these freshly baked raisin and oat cookies there that are AMAAAZZZINNNGGG. but anyways haha, so i was walking around woolworths and this guy comes up to me and starts talking to me for like a good 10mins. i seriously thought it was a prank or something and was looking for a group of laughing boys behind him but yea so he was trying to get me have coffee with him or something i dno but he was very pushy and persistent despite me telling him i have a boyfriend...

AND THEN today i was in priceline and omg hahahha funniest thing. i was looking at foundations and not paying attention to anything around me and this guy comes up to me. okay so he's this pretty fat guy wearing some crappy tshirt and shorts like he was going for a run or something i dno but hes holding a BRIGHT red lip gloss (and i mean BRIGHT) and ok this was the start of our conversation:
him: hi, do you think this will look good on me? (holding the extremely bright red lip gloss)
me: on you??
him: yeaa
me: err....i think...it's a bit too bright (trying to maintain a poker face)
him: oh ..really..

then he was like oh i'm not actually buying makeup i just noticed you and needed a reason to say hi blablabla he ran away pretty fast when i said i was in high school though ahhaha but how funny is that? like this is some fat guy asking me if he would look good in an extremely bright, extremely red lip gloss...

and to make things weirder i was listening to that bruno mars song that's like 'you're amazing just the way you are...' and then i check tumblr and at that same time i get an inbox on tumblr from some guy whose followed me asking if i have msn/skype because 'you are amazing'


SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL WORLD? QUIT PLAYING JOKES ON ME ITS WEIRD AND CREEPY AND IM SCARED. LIKE I ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE IM SECRETLY ON SOME TV SHOW WHERE AT ANY MOMENT THEY'LL BE LIKE HAH YOU GOT PRANKED. or some shit.

well anyways im just going to eat my orange now..

wow it's been a while, blogger has changed so much. apparently the last time i posted was march this year, i'm actually pretty surprised i thought the last time would've been last year.

well i had something i wanted to blog a few hours ago but i was studying modern history and i knew i shouldn't waste time so i didn't..and now i've forgotten.

speaking of, i'm pretty sure i just spent the past 14-15hrs straight studying modern history. so fucking tired. jumping off a giant waterfall sounds rather attractive right now (like some weirdass japanese dude who suicided off a waterfall cause he discovered the meaning of life or something - yes, japan is one of the history topics). but waterfalls are nice and calming and blue and the sound of rushing water is so peaceful.

i'm seeing my boyfriend today to 'talk'. i can't decide if i'm more excited to see him, or happy to be actively making a step to fixing the current state of things, or apprehensive about what will happen, or nervous,  or just what. i miss him, i'm mostly happy to get to see him in a few hours really. and today i was at peace knowing i'd organised to see him and have made a step to achieve something.. i don't know, there was just a guarantee of the end of my waiting time, so i was at peace for most of the day. as opposed to when i'm waiting for us to talk, knowing in my head he's not going to say anything but hoping in my heart that he will anyway and that whole situation leads to an angsty, on-edge me who can't do anything because i'm waiting waiting waiting indefinitely.

i should sleep. i've noticed i only post here when i'm having problems, relationship problems really. well it's my only somewhat private advent of expression. (i wonder if anyone i know will read this..) considering i'm too lazy to keep a written diary and my tumblrs are too public and anywhoo such emotional personal posts don't seem to fit my tumblrs so yea.

hoping tomorrow goes well. i should sleep.

i think i found a new level of sad. it's not even aching, it doesn't stab, it's not an acute pain. it's just ... what is it? despair perhaps. but without the panic, without the insanity. it's cold, hard. it's a sudden drop of the heart, but it doesn't come back up.. it just drops and stays there, so low it's below the ground. it's a little more hope lost. it's like that gust of wind which you think has blown out the candle, and you hold your breath waiting to see if the flame has died, but it hasn't quite. it's like that. it almost consumes you, almost takes everything, but it doesn't.

i was reading the last post i wrote and something i wrote reminded me of a quote from Tess of the D'Urbevilles. you know, i always wondered why everyone hated this book when we studied it. sure maybe some parts might be boring or long and overly descriptive, but i think Thomas Hardy was an amazing writer who managed to do so easily what i have never been able to do: express emotions with eloquence and beauty.

hi.
it's been a long time. blogging... i think this blog has just turned into something i write on when im feeling at a very low point. i guess i have no one to turn to, so yes. back to this electronic excuse for a real diary.

where do i start? i'm suddenly exhausted. my mind's a little clearer.

i read a short story once at a coaching school about a woman faced with the death of her husband. i think her first emotion was disbelief. that's my emotion right now. i don't believe it, i don't believe in the worst. this can't be the end. i won't let it be.

okay i had a shower so i lost that train of thought (above). new train of thought:
i saw you today. i let myself be scared. i stayed silent. i'm so stupid.
of course it never crossed my mind when i saw you that the next time i see you again is unknown, an uncertainty. i didn't talk to you properly. i didn't hug you. why didn't i hug you? why didn't i touch you? i haven't lost hope because i didn't see finality in your expression. when i saw you i didn't see an end. not at all. i saw sadness in your face, hurt when you left me. WHY DIDN'T I GO BACK?

i contemplated it. i stopped in the street, i stood there. i walked back to the corner and i poked my head around it trying to see you. i couldn't see you. i stood there again. i decided to talk to you tonight. i started walking.

i decided to talk to you tonight. what a stupid stupid decision. why didn't i decide to swallow my pride and do the romantic thing and run after you? hold you in my arms and not let go. why didn't i do that? because i was too proud. because i had no idea, i didn't think for a second it could get this bad.


i'm going to keep my promise though. i'm going to do everything i possibly can to prove to you everything i said i would prove. to prove to you that you shouldn't give up. i will. i will do it. i know i will do it simply because my mindset seems to have shifted. i was talking to my friend and she was trying to reassure me. and during that conversation i discovered something new. i couldn't stand listening to anything which even hinted at negativity towards you. it... i don't know what it was. the only accurate description i can think of was that it was like you had become god and i was a worshipper. i felt like to listen to anything even just hinting at negativity was blasphemy, sacrilege. i felt like it was tainting something so pure, so amazing. i suppose that's when i knew i really am going to do everything i can. i'm really not ready to give up on this. i.. some part of me must believe that you're not ready either.. surely.. if i don't think about anything you've said.. fuck ok ok not thinking, not thinking, not thinking. must not think.

i'm so tired. i will probably die tomorrow... probably pass out one of these days. but i don't want to sleep. i.. i want to stay up til i see that you've gone to sleep... but at the same time i don't because seeing you go will be like, it will feel like you're leaving me. i suppose ill stay awake until i really can't take the exhaustion anymore. hell, if other people can stay up til like 1am and wake up at like 6am then why can't i?


i love you.

HI KARINA WANNA KNOW THE STORY OF HOW MUCH OF AN IDIOT I AM? :D

hahahha okay so yesterday we were all planning to watch the bball game and one of the guys on the team told me like where it was and said it was at 6. but then two other guys said it was 5 so we played it safe and went there at 5. anyways at 4.55PM my stupid friend texts me and says oh yea the location has changed, get in a taxi.

okay so 5mins before the game we're bloody looking for taxis in some random backstreet shitty place where theres about 50 000 taxis but ALL of them are out of service or full of people.. so we eventually got one after like 30mins and the stupid driver didnt even speak english at all +_+ and it was just me and 2 other exchange people so none of us knew cantonese. BUT i managed to tell the driver where to go in chinese (at least he knew that -___-)

anyways we get to the place manage to watch like 7mins of the game coz yea we were so late. we won though :D

ok heres the part about my stupidity.. you ready for it?

we got out of the stadium and were waiting for my friends driver (yea he has a personal driver how mad is that? rich hk kid) yea so we're waiting for the driver and i realised... I LEFT MY PHONE IN THE TAXI. my phone. IN THE TAXI. homg. anyways i used my friends phone to call my phone and the taxi driver picked up so then i was talking to him and trying to find out where he was except his mandarin is really bad and has some stupid thick accent so then i gave it to my hk friends (yea the cantonese people joined us at the bball match so we had some canto speaking ppl with us now thank god) anyways the driver eventually came super late. and i didnt know the name of the place the taxi driver was at so i gave the phone to the driver.. omg THE DRIVER DOESNT SPEAK CANTO OR MANDO LIKE WTFFFF?!?!?!! so then the driver was like DA FUCK YOU SAYIN BRO? not really but still so i gave the phone to the actual canto-speaking ppl and between the two of them we managed to translate it to the english speaking driver +_+

like 2hrs later i managed to get my phone back. i was over the moon seriously.

anyways went to dinner and go bubble tea after that :D AND THEN HEHEHE we went gambling ;D hahahhaha not really but we went to those game arcades soooo much fun and then at the end we found those machines where you put in a coin and try and not more coins out so you get shitloads of tokens. our aim was 170 tokens so we could win a chocolate bahahhahha. TOOK US FUCKING FOREVER THOUGH. and coz we bought the tokens one at a time so the people were like duh fwark? and we were being so spastic and retarded it was hilarious ahhh. we stayed so late that the moment we finally got our chocolate they just closed the place coz we were the last people there bahahhahha

anywayyyssshhh BABY JESUS YOU STILL HAVNT GIVEN ME ANY GOOD SONGS. I NEED SONGS. tell me on fb or something losah <3<3<3

HI KARINA

HK IS AWESOME :DDDDDD i dno where to begin. WELLL ill just tell you about today. today in pe we had dancing.. whcih was really lame because the guy i was paired with was SMELLY AND SWEATY AND IT WAS GROSS. SO GROSS. seriously i was standing as far away as i could but he was smelly. and he was so sweaty that there were gross sweat patches under his arms like on his shirt. i was like doing my best to not touch him or not go anywhere near him.. so awkward.

i bought a red and white spotty giraffe earrings today :DDD OMG WE WATCEHD BBALL ON TUESDAY DEY DUH SOOOOO GOOOODD. it was the best to watch. AND WE WON :D last minute was so intense coz they kept calling time outs like at 1.06mins and 45 secs and 3secs and it was soo close in the last minute.. but we won coz we aweshum :D and coz i was there cheering for them. thats the real reason.

you know their school bell is really weird its like a little lullaby or something. the first time i heard it i thought it was the ice cream van driving past the school or something bahahhaha so weird. and its always stuck in my head so im like singing it everywhere these days.

hk is such a city of sex. did you know that? like we were allowed into a sex shop.. well we wouldve been if we werent in uniform.. LIKE THERE ISNT A NO UNDERAGE PEOPLE RULE :O and the ad was of an OLD GRANDMA with a 'vibartor' how fucking hilarious is that. and then there was some shop in this mall i went to today and it had all this sexual shit like these colourful condoms on sticks like lollipops and they were arranged like a bunch of flowers in a little plastic pot. SO HILARIOUS.. i shouldve taken a pic..

okay so this isnt a very good post hahahaah. i bought the coolest thing the other day. while kayla and eleanor were at converse buying like all these shoes i went to the department store and spent 200hk$ on an... UMBRELLA :D hahhaa it was an awesome one though because it has a button and like.. i can never find those in australia so yea :D no cheap converse shoes for me.. i gotz my umbrellaaaaa. awks coz today was like the first time it rained and i didnt take my umbrella to school... lol.

okay i dno what else to write.. OH SOME GOOD SONGS PLOXXXXX? ive like killed their internet so i dont wanna go looking through youtube but yea i need some new music :DD FANKYOUUUZZZ JESUS

RUUUUVVVVVVV YOUUUUUUUU <3<3<3<3<3 i shall try and post more. and yea hk photos are on fb coz i cbf uploading some to here since no one but you reads this :P

hi karina

i was gonna blog about my adventures in hk but now im tired and cbf :D

hahaha bye karina

yea i gotta stop with those.

dear flaggot,

yes i feel bad calling you a faggot though right now you totally are one. i cant believe you have the fucking audacity. like FFS ARE YOU KIDDING ME? jks i wasnt that angry i had a heads up. without that heads up... hah. you would not be alive. i dont think you ever realise how angry i am sometimes or how upset. like for some reason you think at the end of the conversation or the next day if im being civil then all is good and you can go on pretending nothing ever happened. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU. not even 24hrs. are you retarded? do my feelings mean that little? are they so easily dismissed? what do you think i am, a fucking 2yr old? is that what you think, that when i'm angry or upset it doesn't matter because theyre just momentary tantrums which are childish and gotten over in a few hours? FUCK YOU AGAIN. im actually really annoyed that you have the audacity to do so. where is the respect? show me and my feelings some respect you flaggot, or stop telling me that you care if i'm upset when you clearly don't. "actions speak louder than words".

sincerely,
someone pissed off.

dear flaggot #2,
remind me, when did we stop being friends? because if you ask me you are clearly infringing upon the friendship here. i fucking helped you and got you through shit the best i could and you would've always found a friend in me, but no you have to go and be a fucking shitface. i didn't really care at first, but after thinking about it i realised you were definitely infringing upon the boundaries of friendship. so fuck off and learn to be a better friend instead of just everybody's bitch. apparently you're going through shit (apologies if you actually are and i'm being insensitive) but you know what i know soooo many people in a similar or worse situation to you and people in worse situations are not half the melodramatic attention-seeking little twat. maybe i'm being insensitive after all 'everyone's going through shit' yea? but i can hardly feel sympathy for you when you treat me like this. i see what they all saw now.

sincerely,
someone pissed off.

dear both flaggots together,
fuck you.


ps. anger may have been exaggerated because i was pissed off and after writing that i feel much better (:
pps. if you think it's you and you may or may not be right, i'm still pissed and i hope you feel shit.

»Mandahh
»Mich
»Bella
»Debbie
»Alicia
»Joanne
»Steph
»Eve
»Nitarr
»JiaJia
»Angela